Cycle 6, part 4

As we spoke on the phone he sounded nervous but very friendly. His name was Jim and he was enthusiastic about getting his three year old daughter into a children class. As I met them in the apartment lobby, his daughter had a huge smile on her face. She acted shy when I greeted her but approached me soon after with a hug.

As I presented the Faith, his daughter stammered for attention, one second doing something cute and getting a laugh, the next second hitting her dad for averting his eyes. While it was tough for both of us to maintain concentration, he was incredibly patient with her....

"So what is it that has drawn you to the Baha'i Faith?"

"You know we all come from a different place, and mainly that it seems that the Baha'i's to want to include everybody, of different colors, tall, short, skinny and not..."

"...Do you believe Baha'u'llah is the manifestation of God for today, would you like to be part of the Baha'i community?"

"Yeah, I do believe this, I think the Baha'i Faith is just what I have been looking for."

"Well that's great, welcome, we would love for you to join us.

"Yeah, you know I have been wanting to get involved with a religious community, and I have really been wanting to get Emily involved with some sort of children's activities..."

It is always kind of shocking to me that people can accept a religious faith based on such a simple, yet potent concept of unity. In a couple of situations now I have wanted to question them deeper, make sure they know what they are getting into. I don't know if I am projecting my own lingering sense of doubt onto them. In this case Jim was sure, he just KNEW. now that I think about it, I always knew intuitively that this was the truth. I went through an intense period of questioning, one in which I could barely function, but I always KNEW.

A few days later I called him to see how the first devotional gathering went. Apparently his daughter didn't want to leave, I could tell that this made him very happy.

It is obvious that he is devoted to her upbringing. It is not easy, she is very hyperactive and he is a single father.

As I sat across from him at the first Baha'i Feast, I couldn't concentrate on the prayers, I knew that she was getting fidgety and he was getting anxious. I anxiously hoped that he wouldn't feel embarrassed. Other kids were walking and climbing around, so I hoped that set his mind at ease. Finally the children's table opened up and she ran over along with about 10 other kids. As she worked on her butterfly, her dad watched with approving eyes. She kept running back to show her dad the art, relate to him her excitement, and then get back to the table where the fun was.

Window in Time

The old windows drip. Surrounding me on three sides, I lay still in the moonlight a reflection of my waking self.

The bedroom was slapped onto the side of the house to raise it's market value. There is not much privacy, for them either.

The rain is relentless tonight. Once barking proud dogs, they now lay cowed in the street-lit shed. I wake many times in and out of various lives of questionable form and meaning.

For a moment I am the same as I was staring through that window. In what could be a memory, or could have been a dream, shadows of women are storing herbs and grains in large jars which slowly dissolve into the cupboard. They only emerge during sunset when the dusk intrudes on both sources of light.

I am the same as I was basking in the ray of light coming through the large sliding glass door. I am sharing the warm spot with Sambi, our black Labrador Retriever. Her name had been Sambo until my mom was told that it had a negative racial connotation. I was once envious of her four-legged life. I needed to understand her secret, take in the subtle exhilarants waiting beyond the backyard fence near the abandoned buildings and warehouse alleyways. Maybe dig a hole in the backyard and relish the cool earth on a hot day.

Vines hang down from the ceiling. Little plants are being raised in tofu containers and the water is draining through the punched holes. The electric light is a surrogate father until they peek through the window and delve into the universal soil of their kin.

An Inspiring Way to Raise a Child

For a couple of years now I have been admiring how Aria and James are raising Sasha, and appreciating that they are documenting the whole thing. I know Aria is getting into education, I think she already has an outstanding resume.

Why He Blogs

"For centuries, writers have experimented with forms that evoke the imperfection of thought, the inconstancy of human affairs, and the chastening passage of time. But as blogging evolves as a literary form, it is generating a new and quintessentially postmodern idiom that’s enabling writers to express themselves in ways that have never been seen or understood before. Its truths are provisional, and its ethos collective and messy. Yet the interaction it enables between writer and reader is unprecedented, visceral, and sometimes brutal. And make no mistake: it heralds a golden era for journalism."


Check out this great article by Andrew Sullivan on blogging

Cycle 6, Part 3

Looking up at the clock, it was 5:20pm and we still had a work meeting to attend to. Mary and I were sitting in the secure room waiting anxiously to get out so that we could meet Camilla at 6pm. I had called her the night before.

"Hello, is Camilla there?"

"And who is this?"

"O, uh, my name is Jason, I am from the Baha'i community here in Albuquerque, I was made aware that you were interested in learning more about the Baha'i Faith."

"Yes, yes, I would like to join your church"

Wow, okay, lets make sure she knows what she's getting into

"Oh, okay, well would you like to meet up sometime so that we could talk about it?"

"So how long have you been in this church?"

"For about 10 years, yeah my mom was a Baha'i and after some investigation I found it to be the truth for myself. How did you get interested in the faith?"

"I met some Baha'is who have an art shop on the plaza, I was very impressed by how helpful they were to each other. I used to be a Mormon, but now I would like to join your church."

"Okay, can we meet up and discuss this further?"

The directions she gave me to her house were incredibly descriptive, and she spoke in a slow and deliberate manner, a style very different than my own. I am not always very good at recalling details on the spot, which makes me a horrible verbal storyteller. I really, really wanted to say, 'just give me an address, I will look it up online." But I waited...

We rushed over and were greeted into her house. My initial read of her seemed to be correct. Her energy was very grounded, she was a little shy but beauty and understanding reflected from her eyes. There was opera music in the background, which complemented the many paintings that hung in her house. Silence filled in the gap as we sat down and she sat there looking back at us, waiting for us to make a pitch.

"So if you are interested we brought this presentation, maybe we can go through it and see what you think."

"Okay, whatever you like."

As I presented, I couldn't help but notice that she she was respectfully waiting for this social formality to pass over.

"Do you believe that Baha'u'llah is a manifestation of God?"

"Everybody is a manifestation of God"

"Yeah, that's true, um, though Baha'u'llah is making a big claim here, He is saying that he is the promised one of all ages, foretold in the books of the past. Do believe that he is telling the truth?"

She paused for the briefest moment before saying:

"yeah, I believe that."

Time when on, she spoke of meeting a friend for lunch. While in conversation she had told her friend about meeting with the Baha'is in the evening, to which her friend responded:

"I'm a Baha'i, I just declared two weeks ago!

Throughout the presentation her phone had been ringing off the hook. Partway through the presentation she decided to answer it. Another friend also wanted to know about the Faith. She showed up at 6:50pm.

"So what is the Baha'i Faith?"

"Well the main theme of the Baha'i Faith...you know what, do you mind if I use this presentation, it kind of helps me keep my thoughts in order."

"Okay, but in five minutes is the vice presidential debate."

I presented for five minutes while Mary started Ruhi book 1 with Camille. We made plans to visit again the following week.

Thinking partly in jest, this is an example of how politics distracts us from what is really important. I was awed by what had just taken place, but I also wanted to watch the debate.

Cycle 6, Part 2

The doorway had one of those "no smoking, oxygen in use" signs. About a minute passed and we were on our way out when a very old lady with a flower dress opened the door and told us to come in. Her name was Virginia and she was sitting on the couch gazing indifferently. She was hard of hearing but sharp as a nail. I did my best to accommodate her train of thought and ask her permission to continue with each part of the presentation. I felt like a respectful grandson. Looking on the wall, she had several pictures of kids. "Are those your grandchildren?" I asked. "Great-grandchildren", she proudly replied. While she was white her great grandchildren were of all different racial backgrounds. I couldn't help but be awed that somebody of her generation could be proud of such diversity in her family.

"Do you see the light of God in these words?" "Of course". "So what do you think, do you think that Baha'u'llah is the manifestation of God for this day?" "Well, yeah I do."

"Do your family members visit you often?" "No, they don't really come by".

I feel that one of the devastating consequences of modern transportation is that families are scattered. I find it hard to believe that somebody with dozens of grandchildren and great-grandchildren has to spend many of her final hours alone.

This has also helped me realize the value of this type of teaching. In the past we would hold big events and hope that people would be attracted to us. People would come, but only those who were actively discontent with their current spiritual resources and had the means to do something about it. Somebody like Virginia, with her immobility and everyday struggles would have never knocked down our doors. We knocked on her door and her heart was ready. She will probably never see the Baha'i center, but she will be every part of the community, with people to visit and care about her.

Teaching does not precede community development; they are inextricable. Now we have the tools to manifest the principles that we always believed were latent, even outside the walls of our Baha'i center.

Cycle 6, Part 1

I missed the last expansion phase so when I first arrived in the Baha'i Center holding five hours of sleep and a large coffee-extra shot in hand, it still had not occured to me that in a few hours I would be standing in a doorway on my third sentence still not calm enough to take a breath. She listened carefully and then politely answered "no" to my question, "Do you see the light of God in these words". After about an hour of "I'm busy", or "I'm not home even though the music is on" (Which is a strategy I must admit I have use many times to avoid proselytizers), a young lady answered the door. "These quotes are beautiful", she said after about the 3rd page of Anna's Presentation. A few minutes later she acknowledged what her soul had surely recognized from the start, that Baha'u'llah is the manifestation God for this age. A conversation started about her family, how her and her husband were looking for a church, and how much she missed her three kids who had been taken away. At this point she couldn't keep the composure that is afforded to those who can take their loved ones for granted. Francis, one of my teaching partners, immediately found her gaze and with hands locked recited a healing prayer:

"They Name is my healing, O my God, and remembrance of Thee is my remedy. Nearness to Thee is my hope, and love for Thee is my companion. They mercy to me is my healing and my succor in both this world and the world to come, Thou, verily, art the All-Bountiful, the All-Knowing, the All-Wise." -Baha'u'llah

In tears she took a prayer book, which we would find out two days later from her husband had been used fervantly in prayer. He was getting ready to be re-deployed. With courteous manners and hard eyes, he was not yet ready to recieve God in his heart again. He did see her however, and her eyes were open.

Expansion

The Albuquerque Baha'i community has just started its sixth expansion phase. Last cycle we welcomed over 50 new souls into the community, an occurrence I was not able to participate in due to a crazy work schedule. I have been itching to get out into the teaching field again, and today was a wonderful day.

I have been thinking a lot lately on the unlimited potential of this day. Sometimes it is hard to realize the transformation of the world when you are in the thick of it. It is easy to get complacent and forget that our lives our fleeting while the opportunities are so great. What we are doing as Baha'is, this process of expansion and consolidation, is more than just teaching the Faith, it is showing people a way through all of the false dichotomies, all the cruel and banal constructs we have nested in. Most of all, by teaching and engaging in the lives of others, we are realizing for ourselves the Word of God; we are finding ourselves as we find others.

Over the course of this cycle I hope to keep a running log of my experiences and reflections from the field. So many emotions pass through, and I want to remember them

Exciting New Project

I am excited about a new project Brenden and I are starting. The eventual goal is to write an essay loosely on the relationship being spiritual being, pedagogical empowerment, and community development. To do this we are reading both Baha'i and non-Baha'i books together on these themes. So far we have decided to read Martin Heidegger's "Being and Time", Paulo Freire's "Pedagogy of the Oppressed", various readings from Shoghi Effendi, various readings on the Baha'i institute process, and plenty of the writings of Baha'u'llah along the way.


Hopefully the process by which we write the essay will evolve as we learn and develop new ideas. We want the final essay to be both rational and poetic, objective and subjective, deductive and inductive, etc. The idea is that the structure of the essay will reflect the subject matter we are writing about, that being intentional evolution on both personal and collective scales.

The process of reading, writing, and reflecting will be documented Here.

"Making Social Science Matter"

I am in the process of reading an insightful book called "Making Social Science Matter" by Bent Flyvbjerg. The social sciences, he argues, will always fail to gain the comprehensive theoretical structure of the "hard sciences" because it studies subjects as opposed to objects, who are inherantly more dynamic and unpredictable and change their behavior depending on the context. He suggests that the social sciences pursue a more context-dependent, action/reflection oriented, practical approach, which will empower communities to generate knowledge based upon their own experience and not through some abstract theory.

Even if he overlooks the spiritual dimension of community development, his prescription contains many useful parallels to the Baha'i institute process.

I won't describe the book in any more detail because Ryan has already given an excellent review.

Sapling

The Word of God may be likened unto a sapling, whose roots have been implanted in the hearts of men. It is incumbent upon you to foster its growth through the living waters of wisdom, of sanctified and hold words, so that is root may become firmly fixed and its branches may spread out as high as the heavens and beyond.

-Baha'u'llah



Taking root, satiated no longer, the rotten stump has finally released its burden and we realize the ontological bankruptcy. There is no more power that can be willed without a heavy dose of nausea. But here we are, every moment is a potential foundation for something.



The world's equilibrium hath been upset through the vibrating influence of this most great, this new World Order. Mankind's ordered life hath been revolutionized through the agency of this unique, this wondrous system-the like of which mortal eyes have never witnessed.

-Baha'u'llah



Something is happening in the world right now that is being overlooked by the news media and its obsession with the snarky politics born of a lower nature. It is being missed because it is taking root in the hearts and minds of the most vulnerable, receptive, and pure hearted among us, slowly maneuvering through the forgotten soil of forgotten potential, gaining strength in a process which is a reflection of the original divine impulse. It cannot be, will not be belittled, will not be disregarded as we disregard our corrupted leaders. Of what would be perceived as a threat to the decomposing heroes of world order, it is just beneath the surface.



A new life is, in this age, stirring within all the peoples of the earth; and yet none hath discovered its cause or perceived its motive...O friends! Be not careless of the virtues with which ye have been endowed, neither be neglectful of your high destiny. Suffer not your labors to be wasted through the vain imaginations which certain hearts have devised. Ye are the stars of the heaven of understanding, the breeze that stirreth as at the break of day, the soft-flowing waters upon which must depend the very life of all men, the letters inscribed upon His sacred scroll. With the utmost unity, and in a spirit of perfect fellowship, exert yourselves, that ye may be enabled to achieve that which beseemth this Day of God. Verily I say, strife and dissension, and whatsoever the mind of man abhorreth are entirely unworthy of his station. Center your energies in the propagation of the Faith of God. Whoso is worthy of so high a calling, let him arise and promote it. Whoso is unable, it is his duty to appoint him who will, in his stead, proclaim this Revelation, whose power hath cased the foundations of the mightiest structures to quake, every mountain to be crushed in to dust, and every soul to be dumbfounded. Should the greatness of this Day be revealed in its fullness, every man would forsake a myriad of lives in his longing to partake, though it be for one moment, of its great glory-how much more this world and its corruptible treasures!

-Baha'u'llah



There are no news cameras in the room where hearts are met, where intentions among enclaves are woven with the divine spirit into collective action. There are no cameras in the world that will capture the groundswell until it is sudden and shocking. The trust of God is in our hands, and as we build so shall we become the trust of God.

I fear that we will forget and lose our sight...

The sun is setting and we chase the Kingdom's shadow.

Universal Life

Bryan has just posted an interesting essay in the collaborative blog Bahai Coherence called "Genesis, Evolution, and Aliens". Do check it out!

Disjoint

Mindful of the loneliness, Everything I love is so fleeting.

Who are you? So you are happy huh, sitting there in grave confidence, creating the stage for which people laugh in giddy relief? And you, always smiling, always playing the shallow yet lovable narcissist? You are excused, for now. And I, never making much of an impression, always distant (I am painfully aware), holding onto the moment with a white knuckle, too often sinking into a third reflection, cycling loneliness, alienation, love, contempt, respect, and despair.

The only language I speak in is salvation and tears. That is, when I am awake!

Too easy to shrivel up and release the form always being projected. Every comforting morsel is a mockery, an illusory attempt. Even writing these horrible words...A despicable mockery!

How can words capture a human being? Why do we feel that we are the only ones who are bewildered by the sheer enormity. All I want is to wipe away all defenses and be taken, with everyone.

Most aspiration is smitten with form, a tool of the spirit and a hologram otherwise.

What to do during writers block? Write about writing.

So I have been in a writing slump lately. I can no longer use a crazy work schedule as an excuse, since I am back to the 40 and life is pretty laid back at the moment. I thought I would utilise this writers block to reflect upon the purpose and nature of writing within a blog format, as well as think out loud about new directions to go in.

Writing has become incredibly important to me, especially in the last year. I find that it is a great way to give voice and to actively explore emotions and cognitions that might have remained sub-conscious otherwise. Blogging has given me a forum to think about the craft of writing as well as the content. What I mean is, I used to write a lot a few years ago without very much thought to word choice, sequence, rhythm etc, kind of a throw-up if you will. Looking back on it now is invaluable, not only to see the progression of my thought but also to realize how far the craft of it has come. I find that the focus on craft has greatly improved the content; ideas are more tightly knit and lend themselves to greater cohesiveness.

Too much concern about craft can often inhibit writing, which has been the biggest problem lately. I have a post in progress that I find disjointed and cliche, even if it is a true record of my feelings

I find it important to challenge myself in different styles of writing. When I was working on my thesis, academic writing would have become dry if I couldn't also write poetically. Recently I have attempted to write in fictional and non-fictional narrative styles, which has always seemed horribly daunting, but has turned out okay so far. A few of my posts have been essays on religious/spiritual themes. The approach has been an analytical one; I would also like to approach them subjectively and poetically. Another interest, which is the approach of many blogs, is to comment on current events in a thoughtful way and link up to different others who are doing the same.

Writing is a form of therapy, a means of reflection, and a chronological record of our experience in this life. I intend to invest more energy finding words for the experience.

Beautiful Art From...

Baghdad

improvisational collaborative writing

I have not posted much this summer due to time constraints as well as a side project Brenden, Jalal, and myself are working on. This side project has been exciting - The goal is to explore philosophical themes through character and alternate world development by developing a story in which its characters holding very different worldviews and temperaments can challenge and interact with one another on multiple levels. The exiting part comes from the fact that we are improvising off each other, taking the story and characters in new and (hopefully) logically consistent directions that none of us can predict. In a sense "role playing" in written form with the purpose of challenging various paradigms. This experiment thus far can be found in the link "introspective collaborative" in reverse chronological order, but I have listed the links below in chronological order if you are interested in reading what we have come up with so far.


Warrior Lucium
Lam of the Forming
Lucium T'Auren
Family Ties pt. 1
Family Ties pt. 2
Family Ties pt. 3
Fear
Untitled
The Chianvakst Nation

I wake up and I go

Wow, these last few weeks have been insane! Somehow I ended up with two jobs in my lap which overlap making me constantly busy. I have finished my degree. Sjona and I are still in the process of moving. Everything is different, everything has changed. My life is moving on.

Do you ever notice that successive stages in life take on distinctly different flavors?

My professional life is taking shape. Every day brings the fresh experiences, challenges, and doing-ness I have been waiting for after what seems to be a stale eternity of studying and preparing. Other parts of my life have been neglected. I have not been active in the Baha'i community just as fundamental transformation is manifesting. Sjona and I rarely see each other, let alone spend quality time together. I have neglected the strands of creative and exploratory writing which keep me sane and engaged. I have stopped exercising. Instead I wake up and I go, I do, I am acting without being.

August is when I end my research job and stop working 60 hour weeks. I am hoping that is when I can find balance again. I hope I can survive one more month of this.

Burma

These are some pictures from James Whitlow, who was in Burma during the cyclone. His photos capture the pure devastation of it. The photos are Here.

I have been disappointed in the world's response to this. The military government has blocked most forms of aid offered by the world community. Only now they are allowing it to trickle in, partially due to the strong diplomatic efforts of UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon. But it must happen faster, there is no time to waste; the potential for much more misery and disease is looming. The world community must intervene if another country is destroying the most basic human right of its people, that of life. It will continue to fail miserably if it does not act with a unified vision of the unity of humankind. Only through this unity can we avoid future Rwanda's, Sudan's, and Burma's.

NEW YORK — Six Bahá’í leaders in Iran were arrested and taken to the notorious Evin prison yesterday in a sweep that is ominously similar to episodes in the 1980s when scores of Iranian Bahá’í leaders were summarily rounded up and killed.

Read the rest of the story here.

Please pray for the Bahá’ís in Iran!

Hidden Saga

We tend to forget whole sagas of ourselves. Either they get pushed away, or there is an ever so subtle change in focus and they drift, leaving behind some residue of opinion on the matter. Then one day, in a sudden, inescapable, and inconvenient moment...

Pulling up to the house of the sector Feast, it is early evening and the sunlight has faded just enough that the rich colors of this quaint Albuquerque neighborhood can challenge the tyranny of the dominant sunlight. Looking towards the door of the house, a small Indian lady with a warm smile is greeting people at the door. Planning to return the smile, I find her vaguely familiar, too vague and too familiar for comfort. Hmm, The moment has passed. I greeted her, but my thoughts were distant and my expression was probably blank. I walk in to a crowd full of people, some familiar, some vague...

Some people just give you an instant impression. As I look outside through the sliding glass door, I see what should be a normal middle aged man moving a chair and doing other normal things. But part of me knows that there is some issue with him, he seems to be avoiding the crowd. I can definetely relate to the social anxiety. There is something about his posture that...

Oh my God! Wait, could it be...(sigh) it is. And that was his mom. Oh my God, this can't be real. That has to be him.

I have been asked to read a prayer, but I am frozen. From the corner of my eye, I see him standing in the back as I start reading. Words evaporate out of the moment as I seem to be speaking them. Other prayers are said as a flood of emotions swirl, anger, sadness...I miss my mom. I want to give her comfort as her part of me faces this symbol of abandonment that is knocking down my doors. I am frozen. A long winded story is now being told about who the hell knows what...

The choices are clear, I can either avoid him by striking up a conversation with that person over there, or...okay lets do that.

Me: Hi, how are you

...(response)...

Me: I know I have met you before...

...(response)...

Hmm, that probably seemed a little over eager. Lets try him, we have known each other for a while, this might have potential.

.......

Or not. He Just turned away, okay, well I can't just stand in this living room and hide out. Screw it. I am going to face this thing head on.

Me: Hi Chris.

Chris: Uh, your Jason right?

Me: Yeah, how are you doing.

Wow, I am surprised by how warm my greeting was to him. I don't know if I really meant it or not.

Chris: I am doing well, wow, you've grown quite a bit.

Me: Are you, where are you living at? Do you live here in Albuquerque?

Chris: No I am living in Tuscon now, I just came to help my mom make her move up to Taos, She is the Indian lady outside.

I know that. she is the one who treated my mom like she was an inconvenience, an unworthy bride for her son. she was the one who tore you away from her...

Chris: We were here for the Gathering of Nations.

I remember once that she gave me a single marble for my 12th birthday present. I had hundreds of marbles already; one more was like a drop in the bucket. I remember that I had to put on a smiling face and feign excitement.

Me: Cool. Wow, Its nice seeing you guys here. What has it been, like 10 years?

Chris: Something like that, yeah.

Me: What are you up to these days?

I feel like we are two adults, with some mixed history, catching up on old times. This is definitely a change from the sorta fatherish sonish relationship before...
Okay, concentrate. He is saying something about working for a machining company, that he helped to grow it and then he trained people who became his replacements. I am not totally sure, just keep eye contact.

Me: Man, that's really messed up, so you help him develop the company, and then when you ask for more money, they replace you with the people you trained?

Why am I just repeating what I thought he just said? Maybe to let him know that I am paying close attention? I am starting to get nervous now.

Chris: Yeah man, but the experience was good. I want to get back to making jewelery full time. So what have you been up to?

Me: Well, um, I have been going to school for quite a while, I am actually getting ready to defend my thesis sometime in July."

Chris: what is your degree in?

Me: Well my focus has been in geographic information science, which is in the department of geography.

I have practiced how to present my studies to people. I used to just say geography, but people hearken back to their 5th grade days and assume that I spend sleepless nights memorizing capitals. That's pretty much what I thought until I found out about GIS.

Chris: What kinds of jobs are out there for that.

Another frequently asked question. My ego has learned to just assume that they are ignorant for not knowing that this is a fascinating and prospective field.

Chris: Is it mainly for the government?

Me: There's really a lot that can be done. Yeah, for the government but also the private sector. Um, I just interviewed with a company that does modeling for homeland security, they create probability scenarios, they essentially model all the different ways that certain key sites, like uh, you know military and also some political, are vulnerable to terrorist attacks.

Phew, that was convoluted, I am really starting to get nervous now, I know that he can see it too. I am wondering if he is proud of me. He looks a little bit nervous also. He is probably wondering what I am thinking about him, about this encounter. So far I haven't betrayed any hard feelings, I think.

Me: There are also a lot of jobs for environmental organizations, doing environment modeling, and compliance. Also with urban planning, disaster relief, stuff like that.

Chris: Wow, that's really cool. I always knew that you were smart.

Me: Yeah well..

Chris: Are you married?

Me: Yeah, that's my wife right over there. In the pink shirt talking to that lady.

Chris: Oh wow. That's really cool...well it looks like you have grown up to be a fine young man.

Me: Well, I don't know, we'll have to see about that.

A part of me hates when people make judgments about me after only a brief acquaintance or re-acquaintance, even when they are positive judgments. It is always based upon a superficial assessment of how I'm dressed maybe, the fact that I am married, the fact that I am getting a master's degree. These "stats" seem to suggest that I am a fine and wholesome young man, yet reality is always more mixed. I still have my issues, similar ones that I had before the "stats".

Nevertheless, a coating of ice is melting from my heart. He is truly happy to see me, and is truly impressed with how I have turned out. I can remember now what I loved so much about him. He was fun. He coached my Jr high basketball team, he collected sports cards, we went hiking, fishing, camping. He was often caring and mindful of what the family needed, he was industrious around the house, he was truly loving. Most of the time.

The last time I had seen him, he was barnstorming through the house, with that bandanna he wore when he was callous. His mom had wanted him to move back with her to Arizona; we were in Oregon. There had been fights, my mom had said some things that were harsh. Then out of the blue, when we were both gone, he had left. Only a note.

And that's how I had remembered him. Selfish, aggressive, somebody who had abandoned my mom. There had been no closure. Everything that I had loved about him had been inaccessible until now. A hidden saga of wonderful memories had been tainted and locked up. As I look at him now, I love him, and I know that he loves me, and I know that he knows that I love him.

Chris: And how is your mom?

I knew this would come up sooner or later.

Me: She's doing good. Yeah, she's going to school right now, studying electrical engineering.

Chris: Wow, that is a change...So is she still married to that guy, what's his name McGettigan?

Me: Yeah, it's going well, they are doing well.

Wow, that this is surreal. But nice, we are both smiling, just need to keep up the good feelings.

(time passes)

Me: This is my wife, Sjona.

Sjona: Hi, how are you doing.

Chris: Hi, I'm Chris.

Me: I knew him a long time back, we haven't seen each other for like 10 years.

Okay, I'll tell her who he is later

Chris: Yeah, I haven't seen this guy for a long time, I was actually married to his mom.

Sjona: Oh, ok. Wow that's cool that you guys have met up again.

Chris: You have found yourself a good catch. He was always really smart, and he had a lot of friends.

Well, actually, I didn't really have any friends most of the time we were both in Oregon. My weekends were spent alone, looking out the windows into the eternally gray Oregon skies. Oh well.

Chris: I remember that we would go riding our bikes along the beach. Do you remember that?

Me: Yeah yeah, that was fun.

I remember the beach, but I don't actually remember the bikes...

(time passes)

Me: I hope that your business idea works out. That would be really cool if you could go to Hawaii and do that.

Chris: Yeah, who knows, you know, I have a dream at least. Only God really knows what we are doing. I now know the reason I came here tonight, it was to see you again.

Me: Yeah, same here. It's funny, I wasn't actually wanting to come tonight, I, well I knew that I needed to come.

(phone numbers are exchanged. We hug and then we leave)

As I think about him now, I can finally understand that we are both human and we have both made mistakes. Many of my fondest memories involve him. He is like my brother. It didn't work out between him and my mom...

And that's okay.